Anger often erupts when a person is overwhelmed by their feelings. They lose control and do not know what to say or do at that point in time. It often communicates frustration, hurt, feeling disrespected and is often an inelegant way of asking for love and reassurance.
The problem is that people are unlikely to want to give love and reassurance to a person who is ranting at them. It often achieves the very opposite of what they are craving. And if one person is shouting the other may well go quiet out of fear of the situation escalating, they may become defensive, or they may join in and start shouting and become angry also. It is almost impossible to have a healthy exchange if one person is angry.
Let's look at some of the causes of anger:
- Jealousy can cause anger in others. They may see their partner as being more successful, more popular, more in demand and feel that they have nothing to offer. Their confidence suffers as a consequence. Being jealous can cause a person to behave in negative, destructive ways. They may try to undermine their partner and make nasty, sarcastic comments, possibly even in front of others. They may become suspicious of their partner's friendships, perhaps even checking up on them. This can cause the relationship to become strained, difficult and claustrophobic.
- Disrespect, even perceived disrespect can cause a person to become angry. Sometimes when a person's confidence is low everything can be taken as a personal affront. A look, comment, smile can be read as an attack and can prompt a person to become angry and outraged. This behaviour can be seen as irrational as it is often unwarranted and usually unprovoked. Often though they will try to blame their partner and accuse them of inappropriate behaviour in a bid to justify their actions.
- Feeling excluded and sidelined can cause a person to react first and then only later review their behaviour. Being passed over, even when there is a valid reason, can cause a person to doubt their abilities, especially if they are already feeling insecure, lacking in confidence or are in awe of the other person. Anger can be a reaction to feeling out of their depth or unsure about their next move.
- Poor communications. When people are busy, stressed, over-tired they may stop talking to each other as much. This can cause frustration and resentment which can lead to rows and eventually anger.The problem with anger is that it stifles communications. People often don't want to respond to an angry person in case it fans the flames and enrages the situation more. This can cause the angry person to feel increasingly ignored and misunderstood. Sometimes they may even try to intimidate the other person into feeling responsible for the problems.
Let's look at the best way to deal with anger:
- Calling time out can be useful. Agreeing in advance that if one person starts to become distressed and angry they can ask for a five-minute break can be helpful. This enables both to recognise the warning signs and regain control. It is a way to manage the situation.
- Sometimes setting aside time when both are calm to discuss what has happened can be beneficial. Finding a way to communicate and understand what has happened and why is important. Being careful to avoid accusations and discover what the root of the problem is can be a valuable first step in finding better ways to handle tense or problematic situations in the future.
- Counselling and hypnotherapy can be useful ways of dealing with this problem. Relationship counselling can enable the couple to discuss the situation and raise various aspects in a safe neutral environment. It helps improve communications and understanding of each other's feelings. Individual counselling and hypnotherapy can help with the anger management aspects of the situation. They can help the individual to understand and resolve his or her issues and then find better, more appropriate ways to communicate displeasure in the future.